KINCAID
You see a man, a taxi driver; you ask him to take you to
your destination; he quotes you a price. You immediately think that the price
is in the local currency, for you are a tourist and you are familiar with these
things (rates of exchange) and you fell even more free, for things seem so
cheap, but then your driver ends by saying, “In U.S. currency.” You may say, “Hmmmm,
do you have a formal sheet that lists official prices and destinations? Your
driver obeys the law and shows you the sheet, and he apologizes for the
incredible mistake he has made in quoting you a price off the top of his head
which is so vastly different (favouring him) from the one listed. You are
driven to your hotel by this taxi driver in his taxi, a brand new Japanese-
made vehicle. The road on which you are traveling is a very bad road, very much
in need of repair. You are feeling wonderful, so you say, “Oh, what a marvellous
change these bad roads are from the splendid highways I am used to in North
America.” (Or, worse, Europe.) Your driver
is reckless; he is a dangerous man who drives in the middle of the road when he
thinks no other cars are coming in the opposite direction, passes other cars on
blind curves that run uphill, drives at sixty miles an hour on narrow, curving
roads when the road sign, a rusting, beat-up thing left over from colonial
days, says 40 MPH.
MY VERSION
You see a woman, a retail worker; you ask her to show you a
certain clothing item; she points you in a direction annoyed. You notice that
the direction she pointed you in is wrong, for you are lost and confused (which
is normal for you) and no one is even around to help you, the store is
deserted, but another retailer appears and gives you a nasty look, “Are you
gonna buy something” You reply, “Why, does it bother you that I’m just standing
here looking at clothes?” She roles her eyes and walks away mumbling under her
breathe, and then returns with the department manager and tells her that your just
standing here not buying anything but loitering as if that is acceptable
(belittling me) on this premises. You are given dirty looks by both of these
white women equally, seeing that you are a black woman. The emotions that you
are feeling are swelling on the inside of you, soon you will have to blow. You
are extremely angry, so you scream, “Uggh, How dare both of you racially
profile me just because I am a black woman in a predominantly white store.” (with,
scarce, customers.) They turned bright red; they almost started to sweat but
managed to keep their cool as some customers walked by staring at both me and
them while walking through the aisle, the manager tells me to please lower my
voice, you respectfully but abruptly say no, more tension, both workers tell me
to leave now, You say NO.
Love it. Absolutely love it. Every bit. Especially the end with the abrupt 'no'. You seemed very passionate about this topic and it showed in your writing. I like how you also matched Kincaid's tone slighty, that was a nice touch. Overall, brilliant.
ReplyDeleteThis was really great Briana! I really enjoyed your concept and it had a very good impact on the reader over all. I think you need to tweak a few things here and there like grammar and sentence structure to make it flow a little better, but i know that’s hard with the restrictions to the imitation of punctuation. Just try your best! (I struggled a LOT trying to figure out how i was going to write a 53 word sentence with one comma and a period after 20 words). Over all, you did a great job. Like Pruvi said, it seems like you imitated Kincaid's tone a bit too, and that did put a nice touch to it. your strongest point and my personal favorite part is the absolute end, when you said They turned bright red; they almost started to sweat but managed to keep their cool as some customers walked by staring at both me and them while walking through the aisle, the manager tells me to please lower my voice, you respectfully but abruptly say no, more tension, both workers tell me to leave now, You say NO." you ended your paragraph with a BANG and it really gave it strength.
ReplyDelete